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Field Testing the Chutzpah Monitor

9 March 2010, By: foldsworth
chutzpa hat
chutzpa hat

Although it hasn’t been manufactured on a commercial scale as of yet, you may have heard of it through the grapevine; the revolutionary device called the Chutzpah Monitor. It is a device similar to a gaydar that measures the subject’s alpha brainwaves to determine his exact amount of chutzpah at any given moment.

We know that the average amount of chutzpah has increased dramatically among poker players (and perhaps society at large) during the last few years, but attempts at gauging a reasonably accurate amount in individuals have not been successful.

However, I have now put together a device that uses very specific electroencephalography that measures neural electron migrations at a molecular level and translates it into an accurate chutzpah reading.

The potential real-world applications for a fully functioning Chutzpa Monitor are of course too numerous to recount here, but using it while playing Triple Draw 2-7 Lowball poker is an attractive proposition.


My early testing on mandrills has been fruitful, but considering the mandrill’s high average chutzpah compared to the human male, further testing is required.

The problem is that parts of the device have to be attached directly to the brain stem to get a good reading, which has proven impractical in live poker games. My opponents often object to wearing the device – sometimes strongly. However, by combining a strong dose of diazepam with some sleight of hand I have “convinced” a small number of test subjects to try the apparatus. The results have been promising so far, and the impact on my bankroll all positive!

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  • Charlie 15/03/2010 12:53pm (11 years ago)

    Sign me up for a prototype, I'm all in on this concept. I foresee no difficulties regarding brain stem.