Could Poker Tournament Screening Change Due to Online Poker Turf Wars?
On Thursday, PokerStars announced the EPT Tournament of Champions, and that will run up against the first ever Onyx Cup event in May. This is just another example of the online turf wars that have spilled out into the live arena.
Can you imagine what would happen if more online sites started to participate in the turf wars? Just imagine the screener questionnaires that would accompany tournament registration.
Of course, I have put some thought into it and here is what you may encounter. (I realize many tournaments don't do this, but imagine what might be in the future.)
Standard Status Screener
1. Are you a sponsored by an online site? If yes, proceed to question 3? If not, answer question 2.
2. Are you sure you can afford this event? If yes, skip to question 4. If no, thank you for your donation to our casino and the overall prize pool.
3. Which site do you represent? If Pokerstars, answer question 7. If Full Tilt, answer question 8. If Party Poker, Welcome Tony G, great to have you. All other sites, skip to question 11.
4. Are you being backed? If you are being backed by JohnnyBax, answer question 12. If you are backed by someone else, either unregister and pocket the money or start working on your bustout story now. If you are Eskimo Clark, please inform us of whom you sucked into putting you into this event so we can get them help. All others proceed to question 5.
5. If you make the final table of this event, are you willing to give up your first born child for a patch?
6. Are you Allen Kessler? If so, would you be willing to just leave now if we give you the equivalent of min-cash money?
7. Are you Russ Hamilton? If so, this casino is not responsible for any injuries you suffer intentional or intentional. No, we did not misspell that. Someone is going to fuck you up, intentionally. Go back to Florida.
8. Can you spell poker? Phil needs to know. And no, we don't mean Ivey.
9. If you think you are hot, let a staff member know and we will send someone over to evaluate you. If you're female and you pass, Wicked Chops will be over to take your picture. You will then be posted online and a future sponsorship determination will be offered based on your level of hotness. Someone will do it. If porn stars can get sponsored, you can too. If you're male, we don't care. You have to actually play well to start with. We are sexist, live with it.
10. If you made it this far, you probably got in this event via a satellite. Enjoy your time at our casino and the free booze. And we recommend not soliciting anyone out of the East entrance. There have been reports and you can't afford that doctor bill.
11. If you are Doyle Brunson, Antonio Esfandiari, or someone we can reasonably make money off of by milking your likeness, please let us know. Otherwise, we really don't care about your site, unless you pay us money too. Then you will be our best friend, at least until we get a better offer.
12. Do you think JohnnyBax would back me? I really got to get out of this job. I'm a winning $2-$4 Limit Hold'em player on Wednesdays and Thursdays. If not, thanks for playing, and enjoy the table of death I assign you to later.
Thank you for taking our screener and enjoy the event.